Oh, Cap'n, my Cap'n...

What's happened to our cereal mascots? Why have they become so excitable over the years? Sure, Sonny was always coo coo for Cocoa Puffs, which made him a little hyper, but consider Tony the Tiger or Sugar Bear, both laid-back advocates of their product, despite its sugar content. And what about Cap'n Crunch? Back in the day, he was the poster kid for takin' 'er easy:

No big whoop. Nothing that troublesome Smedley could ever do would upset the good Cap'n. He was just kickin' back, enjoying that peaceful, easy feelin'. But look at the poor bastard today:

Dude, what happened to you? Diet pills? PCP? Are you simply so amped up on your own, sugary product that you can't even hold the spoon steady?

I mean, look at this freak! Is he hooked up to car battery? He's obviously in the throes of some sort of manic episode, shaking and hyper ventilating like that. I ask you, do you want this man near your children? I say, never trust a character who's eyebrows won't stay attached to his head.

And it's not just the good Cap'n. Take a look at the cereal aisle. Almost all your old favorites look like amphetamine addicts these days, their bulging eyes and waggling tongues indicating a fit of screaming night terrors.

Personally, it's not putting me in the mood for cereal.


Amy said...

I know what you mean. I, too, miss the old mascots and the old versions of mascots still around. And hey, you want to know what else irks me about this? That crap-ass shading everyone's giving print versions of cartoon characters! It used to be all flat color, now they're trying to make 'em look all modeled or something. This is unacceptable.

I have the same complaint with a lot of the Disney merchandise becasue a few years back they stopped using the cel animation art and started cranking out these slightly shaded and amped-up versions which look like crap. Dammit, they've got perfectly beautiful 9 Old Men drawings lying around by the metric ton, but they won't use 'em!

thrdgll said...

Not just modeled, but with those repulsive rim highlights on everything that make the characters look like inflatable plastic. In Disney's case, I think it serves to illuminate the true horror of their insideous product.


I conjecture the cereal shillers of yore have long been replaced with shiny new pod mascots courtesy of the PC police.

Side note - I have that Cap'n Crunch bank. Save your coins to buy more of my sugary crack.

"Ahoy There," indeed!